ALL THOSE BARKING DOGS....

“YOUR DOG IS BARKING and I can't sleep.” I said. There I was, standing on my neighbor's porch at one o'clock in the morning. My hair was disheveled as I stood there with my bath robe that had been hastily slapped on. I just wanted to rest. I've had several neighbors occupy this rental home next to mine over the years, and each one had presented their own problems. Come to think of it, there was a dog involved every time...One renter had a dog that was threatening physical harm to every passerby (it was not on a leash) and would race to the edge of the front yard acting as though it would pounce on a person at any minute.

Then there was the renter's dog that was never let out of the back yard, never cared for, and physically died before it's time from neglect. The dog barked constantly seemingly begging for it's master's attention. It was a heartbreaking scene to behold every day. It was even left out in below freezing temperatures as it's owner had fallen asleep on his couch from a marijuana induced stupor. I remember pounding on his door to beg him to take his dog in as the marijuana smoke rolled out the front door when he answered it.

The current renter's dog barks frequently day and night. The dog is chained to the fence for hours out of fear that the dog will run off or be stolen like the last one was. Of course my bedroom window is right next to that fence. When this man and his family moved in there were immediate problems. The sound system in his vehicle was monstrous. The sound when turned up, would literally shake the ground, my windows, and the homes on either side. I literally could not hear my own television as I tried to listen to the days news and events. I stood outside on my porch one time just staring at the situation hoping a “message” would be sent to TURN DOWN THE MUSIC. For some time, week after week, as the neighbor pulled into his driveway, music blasted out that could be heard miles away.

The next day I reflected on the other dogs that seem to bark incessantly in our daily lives, and there are a lot of them. Maybe the recognition of them would cause us to rethink how we're handling life. They are the possible bad medical diagnosis, a car breaking down periodically, a continuing financial crisis that seems never ending, or just took much on “our plate” for a season. Is it the job situation that is a daily issue and irritant? I've tried so very hard to let it go...I desire to enter into the “rest” of God that He speaks of in His word and to not be so easily angered, upset, and devastated by life's events. Finding the peace of God under girding us continually in every situation presented by life does not come all at once. It's found in the journey. It is about trusting God in every daily circumstance. Trust is not born out of ease in this life, it is birthed through it's hardships.

My point is this. There are a lot of “barking dogs” in life aren't there? They just won't go away. They disrupt “our” world, bring chaos, unease, and hardship...sometimes it's severe. Those darn dogs make us feel out of control with no relief in sight. The inconvenience of the situation slams us like a hammer. Anger is usually the first line of defense when these barking dogs enter our sphere of life. How dare they turn our world upside down and cause such disruption! What we were doing before the sudden onslaught and interruption was important! The next line of defense it to try to take control of the situation. Maybe the “barking” will stop then. Finally, the last phase is a good cry to release the frustration all the barking has caused. It's a vicious cycle that is never ending.

All of this reflection began stirring within me after I walked away from my neighbor's door and I wonder...will his barking dog open a door relationally in conversation to reaching out in the love of Christ? We cannot let the “barking dogs” sway us away from trusting the love of God that reaches out to those around us who do not know Him.

“Great is the peace of those who love Thy law, and

nothing shall by any means offend them.”

(Psalm 119:165)

WHERE THE GOOD THINGS ARE

HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED where the good things are? I think some of us come to the place where we wonder if any good thing has ever been a part of our lives. Sometimes all we can see is what was not and could have been, as well as what is not, now. It's as though all we remember are the abuses, tragedies, accidents, and failures that have been a part of our life journey. As I was driving home from work one evening, in the silence of my car, I was talking to God out loud. I had been reflecting on my life and had felt in those moments so empty and void of any positive movement of God's presence and direction for some time. Those feelings were coupled with the thoughts of a life that had been filled with seemingly nothing but those tragedies, abuses, and hardships. It was then that I shouted out loud in the car, “Is this as good as it gets Lord? Is this it?” I continued shouting this question out several times at God as I drove home that afternoon. I was angry. Afterwards, I recalled something that God had shown me years before.

I remember as a young teenager of 14 having tried to reach out to my dad one last time to connect with him as his daughter. What I received instead was the usual criticism of a supposed failure on my part. This had happened over and over again for many years. I turned slowly away from him in the middle of the conversation, walked into my bedroom, laid down on my bed and out loud, cursed the hope that I had had in even trying to reach out to him. Depression entered my life at that moment, and I could tangibly feel it's presence. I had decided that hope was an enemy.

Years later, in my early thirties, I had begun to follow Christ in much more earnest in my life. It was then that during a nap in the afternoon on a lazy summer day, that I was swept away in a dream about those teenage years of mine when I had cursed hope. As I slept, a “life review” of those years began in my dreaming. God's Holy Spirit began to reveal a great darkness in my life during that time. It was all around me as I dreamt, and it felt like it was closing in. The darkness was massive and I could see no light. I was terrified and I cried out loud in the room as I slept, “Lord, please stop showing me this! It's more than I can bear and I'm afraid.” It was in that moment, after I cried out, that the dreaming changed. I was suddenly remembering and viewing “good things” that I had had in my life at that time. God peeled back the darkness as the dreaming continued on again. I was swept up in an awesome, joyful recall of memories of those years that I had forgotten, and God paraded each scene in front of me in sequence. The darkness had overshadowed and hidden them from my remembrance all those years ago.

Our family lived at a lake resort and wilderness area at that time. The spring and summer was busy with vacationing tourists thronging the area. I saw my favorite shirt that I loved to wear (the colors stood out to me as I dreamt and were very vivid). Then I saw my favorite bell-bottomed jeans! They were all the style then. There were also the athletic shoes I had saved my money to buy. The suede shoes were styled with a patriotic flag theme of a red, white, and blue flag design on the sides. They were my Peter Fonda “Easy Rider” movie style shoes. I loved those shoes! The memory of my 10 speed bike I had that made me feel like I was riding the wind, came into view. I saw Wille my horse that I had spent countless hours riding on the wilderness trails. He was my escape from an abusive home during the day, and it gave me a wonderful sense of freedom for a time when I needed it most. The dreaming ended with a final memory and scene of the haze of smoke from the tourist's campfires in the evenings hovering over the area's tree line as they cooked their meals. The smell of roasting hamburgers and hot dogs filled the air and drifted past our cabin.

I was shocked to have remembered these minor things from over 25 years ago, and in such minute detail! They had long been forgotten. It was then that the dreaming stopped as suddenly as it had begun.....The Lord had placed my family and I in an area that was one of His greatest jewels geographically. It was like living in Yellowstone Park year round and is known to this day as “The Little Switzerland of America”. The fall season was stunning in color contrasts between shades of evergreen and orange. The mountains shouted out His greatness as the Creator. The winters were just as awesome with the deep snow that covered everything like a strangely comforting blanket that settled on everything for a time. It's beauty was awesome and this wonderful place was a gift from Him in the midst of the abuse and darkness that pressed in in my life. How blessed I was!! He was there even in the midst of every dark moment. He had placed me there in my life journey for a reason. There were good things all around me that He had given even when I did not know Him. I learned that afternoon as I slept, that He is the God of my past. He is the God who is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. He had made sure that there were many good things that were a part of my life during those years to counter balance and buffer against the darkness and it's chaos, and I am grateful.

The brief review the Lord walked me through in those moments as I slept, also opened the door to more contemplation and reflection of those years in the months that followed. There were many other good things that were present during that time of my life that I had not thought about or really appreciated before. I began to see those years in their entirety from God's viewpoint and not my own, and my memories were profoundly different from that moment on because my perspective changed too. A deepening thankfulness for what God had given me during that time began to grow in my heart. That darkness in my memories that I had felt for many years whenever I reflected on them was strangely gone.....and it also did not matter anymore. His light was all I could see from that moment on when I recalled these years. I had been set free from the darkness and an even greater gift came into my life after that,....a thankful heart. A thankful heart enters into His presence every time.

No matter how desperate our lives may seem. No matter how abusive the life journey has been, there are good things that God places along the way. He dances in our lives with the little things that are so special. They are easy to miss because we don't realize that He gives the everyday things that are a blessing. We often miss them because we expect the spectacular and obvious ones. Darkness begins to leave our lives when we adopt a thankful heart even in the midst of it all. God does not fix things. He could. But rather, in the midst of life's storms, He's watching to see if we will draw close to hear His heartbeat and believe He has placed those good things there just for us. Those things may be small, but they remain. I saw that His love placed them in my life to let me know that in the midst of the greatest hardships, He was there. Ask Him to show you, and He will. Funny how all those seemingly minor “gifts” can bring a fond smile and joy to my face when I think of them even now, many years later....

As I awoke from my sleep, I sensed God's loving presence lingering in my room and a thick smell had supernaturally filled my entire bedroom also. I was astonished as I breathed it in. It was pungent, distinct, and unmistakable. It was the smell of a campfire cooking hot dogs and hamburgers....

Wallowa Lake Oregon

Bless the Lord oh my soul; and all that is within me, bless His holy name.

Bless the Lord, Oh my soul, and forget none of His benefits;

Who pardons all your iniquities;

Who heals all your diseases;

Who redeems your life from the pit;

Who crowns you with lovingkindess and compassion;

Who satisfies your years with good things,

So that your youth is renewed like the eagle.”

(Ps. 103-2-5)

CHOOSE LIFE

THIS IS THE SUBJECT MOST RUN FROM in a conversation, much less let anyone know it has assaulted them emotionally at some point in their lives. What am I speaking of? Suicide. I never expected to write on this subject,...but here I am tackling it anyway. The immediate thinking would be that this has not touched you personally in anyway. However, you may find yourself needing to choose life where you did not know you hadn't...or help a close friend to choose life who has given up on it and not understood why. My hope is that this will, at the very least, give insight to reach out to others meaningfully.

Years ago I stood in front of a man asking him a question. He had just finished his most recent talk for the evening. As a guest speaker at a local church that night, this man was known as “Mr. Agape” in christian circles nationwide. His nickname was The “Apostle of Love”. His reputation as a Christ like, loving man was widely known. He spoke extensively on laying aside old practices and habits in our lives that cause harm or discredit us as followers of Christ, or hinder our walk with God. I asked him what thoughts he might have as to why quitting smoking in my life was so very difficult and seemed impossible to stop. The addiction had an iron grip on me. He was silent for some time (I believe he was listening to the Holy Spirit in those moments), then tears welled up in his eyes and he said, “Some people choose a slow form of suicide, not an immediate one.”

That statement opened the door to the understanding that embedded within an addiction there can possibly be a form of slow suicide occurring, and we don't “see” it for what it is. Somewhere in our life journey a hidden part of us on the inside can make a decision that life is not worth living, that we are not valued and we sense no purpose or direction. There can be a multitude of abusive life events that bring us to this internal decision. A parent's absence or abandonment physically or emotionally, physical or emotional abuse itself, or any kind of perceived rejection from others in our life journey, to name only a few. As a result we come to a place where WE REJECT OURSELVES, and begin to punish ourselves through the addictions. The feeling or belief that we were not suppose to even be here to participate in life is at play, and it is not a conscious realization most often.

Of course the methods of slow suicide are varied and numerous, and truly, no condemnation on my part is intimated here. Been there, done that...There's a multitude of different kinds of addictions, including man made narcotics, or nature's natural chemicals found in our environment. The addictions can manifest as well in our own appetites such as excessive food consumption. Another one not often looked at....is a “flirting” with death through extreme sport activities that greatly lessen each time, one's odds of living through another “adventure”. I call it the “adrenaline addiction”. One becomes addicted to the need for more of their own adrenaline being produced in “daredevil” situations. (NOTE: There is evidence also that a mineral and/or hormonal imbalance can drive the “daredevil” syndrome).

The other end of the spectrum on this issue is the more immediate suicidal actions people take that can stem from deep emotional pain. I know this first hand. As I walked by my refrigerator the other day, I looked at a recent photo of my son I had placed there. He passed a year a half ago from an accidental drug overdose, and I've only just begun to grieve my loss. He was my only child. As I stood there I was suddenly, unexpectedly, overwhelmed with a suicidal feeling within myself. It swept over and engulfed me like a tidal wave. Frankly, it took me by surprise. It passed as quickly as it came because my trust in God sustained me in those moments. The God that I know cares deeply for me. It's hard to share this knowing that others may “label” me because of it. However, to me it's worth it because it exposes another potential contributing factor in suicide, and reveals our deep need for Christ's healing.

It's the emotional pain that we are exposed to through life events that can run very deep and feel VERY overwhelming. So strong are the feelings of pain at times, that what seems like the only “escape” from it, is life's termination as quickly as possible. The fear generated by it is off the chart. Self medicating is not working, or not present in those moments. The powerlessness we feel threatens to undo us. Deep emotional pain feels and looks like death. God has been teaching me through the years to not fear emotional pain. He is there if we reach out to Him in those moments. Our problem is that we demand relief from our pain any way we can get it with out Him.

Can demonic spirits be involved in suicidal issues? Yes. It's one of the “flaming darts” the enemy will throw our direction if he can. My focus however is not on what the enemy tries to do but rather what leaves us vulnerable to the attack to begin with. We need Christ's healing touch emotionally and most often...deeply.

For those of you who grieve like myself, I do not know if this will ever try to attack your life or not. I think it does more than others are willing to admit. I pray it doesn't. But know this, you're not alone, and this is nothing new to life's struggles. I have chosen life, and will continue to do so. The greatest victory I can have here is to live to fight another day. I want to be used of God to make the devil pay every last cent that is due for his duplicity in trying to get us to abort our lives before the time. Unfortunately, he succeeded with my son through addiction and accidental overdose. My vengeance is to fulfill every good work God has laid out before me on my life journey before I pass. My revenge is to love with Christ's love and to live......Check yourself through God's leading, and don't let suicide of any kind rule you. I know the Person that vanquishes the suicidal. He cares. He can heal and deliver.

And by the way, I did beat that 45 year old nicotine habit. Christ set me free when I chose life. His.

THE TWO PATHS OF BROKENNESS

I told God that I feel broken now with the death of my only child, my son. I am aware of in these moments, the two paths that brokenness presents to us when tragedy or hardship occurs. Will the brokenness we experience lead us to a greater dependence on God? Will it lead to the permanent acknowledgment that our weakness prevails in this life and only the Lord can be our strength? Will it break open our hearts to the point where we have dropped all emotional self-protection and learn to love others as we love ourselves? Will our focus shift to what really matters in this life and see it as Christ sees it?

If the first path that brokenness can lead to is chosen, we retreat in life. No one and nothing matters much anymore. We shove aside the tenderness of heart that the brokenness brings about and shut it out. The heart hardens itself further and the prison doors lock up tighter than ever. Anger, depression, and bitterness progressively develop. The mentality of the “victim” begins to set in in our thought life. The “blame game” or unforgiveness progressively overtakes us which is directed toward God or someone else. In short, we don't see a way out. The fruit of this paradigm shift is emotional, relational, and eventually spiritual decay and deadness. This is the path of a fallen world's way of dealing with the brokenness when it occurs.

The choice of the second path instead can bring a new dimension of life. This is the path I choose. The hardness of heart I had prayed for God to remove several years ago, is gone. My heart is tender now, and when I hear of someone else's tragedy or hardship, I am moved to compassion and even at times, weep for them. Empathy was minimal in my life before, and I didn't take much thought about what others suffer, until now. I had, in the past, cared more about a suffering animal than a hurting human being. I say this to my shame. In repeated prayers over the years I have told God that I knew there was something wrong with this attitude and that I knew it wasn't supposed to be this way. People are supposed to matter far more than animals ( and I deeply love animals). If we're really honest, I think many of us are this way, but don't think about it much. This has changed now for me. Others do matter more. The love of Christ is beginning to prevail in my relationships. The second path's brokenness has caused the best paradigm shift, and is the most fruitful spiritually that can be taken if we choose it. It's fruit is agape love, self-sacrifice moved by compassion, and a helplessness that throws itself into the arms of God every day.

If we allow God to take our brokenness and turn it to the greatest good in our lives, and shun the world's way of facing it, then we have taken the best pathway possible,....it is the path that comes along side and participates in Christ's suffering or attitude that leads to His holiness and the understanding of His heart and His heartbeat.

THE TABLE OF LOVE OR THE TABLE OF DREAD

After watching the last of a video series at church about the family and it's importance, my Pastor asked us all a question. What was supper like in our homes as children growing up? The supper table sets the tone for the knitting together of a family in it's relationships. Several people shared their experiences, most were pleasant. I debated on whether to speak up at all on this issue. I did not.

As a child, and for most of my adult life, coming to the supper table was an experience that was deeply dreaded each evening. Indeed, I remember staying outside, playing as long as I could to put off coming inside to sit at the table when dinner was announced. As we sat to eat, the entire meal was fraught with verbal and emotional abuse and sometimes physical attack. My father was a critical alcoholic and did not hesitate to strike out at everyone during the evening meal. It was a nightmare. The best strategy was to just keep quite, and perhaps one would be overlooked for any forthcoming abuse.

In the scriptures God speaks of sitting at His table and supping with Him. Ah yes,...the great banquet spoken of in Isaiah 25:6. Christ spoke of inviting Him in to dine with us in Revelation 3:20. This is something to look forward to for all who follow Him. In 1988 I was working temporarily in Washington state and was staying with my parents while my husband Randy who was a lineman, was working on a job out of town on the east coast. We planned to return to his home state of Florida when his job was finished. During a phone conversation two weeks before his job ended, and in the course of our conversation he said to me, “Marguerite, I'm tired of living my life the way I've been living it. I want to know Christ in my life again. Can you help me?” I was ecstatic! I had been praying for my husband to return to Christ for some time. In his youth, Randy had experienced the touch of God to become a minister of the gospel but did not follow through with God's plan. God had turned his heart toward Him once again. In two more weeks my husband would be home with a heart following God again. I could not wait!

In the several nights that followed, I began to experience visitations from God. He was speaking to me nightly for long periods of time as I slept. They were lengthy conversations of some sort, yet I could not remember what had been said when I awoke the next morning. It baffled me. I knew enough though to know that God was “downloading” something of importance to me that would be needed in the future. What struck me the most was the feeling that I had of having sat down at a great banquet all night with the Lord,....His words were feeding me as He spoke them. In the mornings after I awoke, I felt something that I cannot even begin to describe. It was the deepest, most profound satisfaction of spirit and soul I've ever known. There was an ongoing, multi-night banquet feeding my spirit and my soul for several days. The impact of the nightly visitations prompted me to share the experiences with my mother.

Two weeks later I was notified that my husband was dead. An accident on his job site took his life. It had happened on the last day of his job, one hour before quitting time. He was 34 years old. I was 32.

Our son Randall was four years old. You see, Randy had promised me that he would not work on jobs out of town anymore that kept us apart as a family.

As I entered the funeral home's office to make arrangements I was asked if I wanted see him to make sure everything was in order for the evening viewing to come. I had dreaded this,...viewing his body without his spirit present, and facing death for the first time in my life,..looking upon his face, to see the death of someone I loved. I entered the room where his body was. A well meaning funeral employee had applied the mortician's make up to Randy's face and it was too pale. I noticed it immediately as Randy was a deeply tanned individual. His blonde hair and blue eyes belied his American Indian heritage which caused him to tan easily. I pointed this out to the mortician and directed the him for several minutes on re-applying a darker shade of makeup so Randy's face had a more natural appearance. I was guided by a supernatural calmness and peace that I had never experienced before. There was no falling apart emotionally, no fear for the twenty minutes of time that it took to do so.

I stepped outside of the funeral home afterwards to take in all that I had just walked through. The Florida sun was shining so brightly that afternoon. In an instant, as I stepped into the sunshine, the content of God's nightly visitations, for the first time, flooded my mind......and I remembered. The insight and understanding came to me that I had been through several “rehearsals” in my sleep from the Holy Spirit to prepare me for the 20 minutes that had just occurred. God had already walked me through that particular twenty minutes with the funeral home employee during the nights as I had slept the two weeks before. God had been to preparing me beforehand to be able face my husband's death. In retrospect, I would not have had the emotional strength and courage needed to walk into the room where my husband's body was, much less direct the mortician on the re-application of the facial makeup that needed to be changed.

Those banquets of God that I sat at in preparation for Randy's passing, were amazing and beyond any description I can give here. I will never forget the satisfaction I felt that superseded any earthly one I've ever ever known. For a short period of time I've briefly dined at God's banquet table, and not a table of dread. When my Pastor asked the question that he did, I reflected on these memories. Does the abuse I experienced as a child and young adult at my family's supper table, the table of dread, hinder me in accepting everyday invitations to God's supper table of love in communion with Him?

GOD and THE FAVORITE PHOTO

-The Light of Navigation Series-

GOD, and THE FAVORITE PHOTO

The week was finally catching up with me emotionally and physically. The rush of arrangements that needed to be made was coming to a close. Last minute details were being straightened out. I was trying to get through just two more days. The state of shock during a traumatic event is a strange bedfellow. Shock is God's buffer for our emotional pain. The numbness is a norm for a time. Memory becomes intermittent, both short term and long term, or sometimes there is none at all. It returns slowly, but only after a season.

My son's close friends were putting together a photo and video presentation of my son's life that Friday night. It would be displayed during the funeral service scheduled for the following day. Family members speaking at the service, would chose a favorite photo to be displayed on the same screen as they shared loving words of remembrance. Here it was, the night before the funeral and I only had a small handful of photos that I had been able to bring. None of them stood out to me. I sat at the table that evening with my sister Mary, and a close friend, with the shock still impacting my memory.

Mary spoke to me and said, “What about your favorite photo? You know, the one of Randall standing in his crib?” I was stunned emotionally. I had forgotten completely about this cherished photograph. It was the “favorite” one. Every mother has this special picture that is held close to her heart above all others among a life time of photos taken. This picture of my son was taken in the early morning when he was a small child. I walked into his room to pick him up out of his crib as his little face was beaming with an angelic smile that greeted me, and his hair was standing on end! There he was looking out over his crib with his blue one piece pajama suit on. It was too late. It was the night before the funeral and I certainly could not fly home to retrieve it in time.

As Mary continued, she shared about God speaking directly to her the night before. He brought to her remembrance my “favorite photo”. The following day, unknown to me, she asked a friend to go to my home in Oklahoma to find the photo album that I had placed this picture in. It was then sent attached to a cell phone text. There it was, on time, my favorite photo to display when I spoke about my son that Saturday.

I was at a loss for words, impacted by what God had done ahead of time for me. I was at my most vulnerable point. In the midst of the grief I struggled to remember even the little things. What kind of God is this that knows what your favorite photo is? What God moves heaven and earth speaking directly to someone to make sure you have what is needed most? What kind of God-love is this that knows about and anticipates the choice of a heart's desire, ahead of time, when you yourself don't know about the future need? I will never forget this small, yet incredible move of God on my behalf. Indeed, I hope I never stop being awed about this facet of God's love. The following day, this photo silently spoke volumes up on that screen. It was about a mother's love for a child now gone, and God's loving fulfillment of an unknown, and unanticipated need. I could also see that God became my memory when mine had failed me.

GOD, THE THREE WITNESSES and the MESSAGE FOR ME

-The Light of Navigation Series-

GOD, THE THREE WITNESSES and......

As a Christian, by far the greatest challenge I faced when my son died was the uncertainty of where he stood with God. I heard him ask Christ into his heart and life as a child, but as a parent you wonder if it was a child's simple imitation of the parent's convictions at the time, or a true heart felt conversion. Did my son truly understand as a child, what asking Jesus into one's life is really all about? My son was in the throes of addiction at the age of 32. He seemed to live life as he pleased, and as far as I knew, not really giving God a second thought. I struggled deeply for several months after his death hoping for some sort of closure on this issue. For a time, questions pummeled my mind relentlessly. Was my son ok? Was he with God? Was he safe? I longed to know he was with God and not lost to me forever and that I would see him again someday. True to His nature, God answered my heart's cry as only He could.

One of the biblical laws established by God in the old testament and mentioned in the new, was the law regarding the two or three witnesses. Two to three witnesses were required to confirm the truth or facts of a given situation, an event, or to determine the credibility of an accusation leveled against someone. “......On the mouth of two to three witnesses a matter shall be confirmed.” And again, “This is the third time I am coming to you. Every fact (word) is to be confirmed by the testimony (mouth) of two or three witnesses.” (Deut. 19:15, 2 Cor. 13:1) We see this in our culture during court trials when witnesses are called forward to testify, or to “bear witness” about an event or person's actions. As Christians we know that this is one avenue that God will use to speak to us when we need confirmation on an issue or an answer to an important question we've asked of God. Two or three people, in succession, unrelated to each other, will confirm or communicate through what they speak, the same answer or direction God is giving. I have asked God for these confirmations on life issues and decisions many times over the years so I know I am hearing Him accurately. God wove into the week of my son's passing the three witnesses for me.

As I stood in the flower shop, shocked at being handed a bill at cost instead of retail for my son's funeral flowers, I began to see that God had arranged everything ahead of time. Every funeral arrangement being made fell into place seamlessly as well as all financial needs being met when I had none. I felt loved by God on a level I have never known before, and sensed His deep love for my son as well. A child like amazement was embracing me in every moment as God's love and grace carried me daily. I called my Pastor in Florida to tell him what God was doing. As I began to share with him what was happening he said...” Marguerite, God is confirming that your son is with Him.”

Pastor: Witness #1

The following day, the woman who had volunteered to sing for my son's funeral handed me what she said was my son's favorite hymn from the folder of music she carried. Randall frequently attended church with her and her daughter that he had dated, a few years before. As she handed the sheet music to me I was stunned and speechless. The first hymn I had learned as a child, which drew me to Christ decades beforehand,....I was now holding in my hands. It's title was “I'll Walk With God”. I had never shared this about myself with my son. I had not known that this too was his favorite hymn as an adult, until that moment, as the sheet music was handed to me. The funeral home's hospice pastor listened intently moments later as I shared with him this amazing “coincidence”. He said, “Marguerite, God is confirming that your son is with Him.”

                                                            

Hospice Pastor: Witness #2

At the end of the week I flew out of Florida and back home to Oklahoma. Randall's funeral was devastating for me, yet at the same time, an amazing, living demonstration of the movements of God and His love even in the midst of the greatest of life storms and tragedies. I also began to see with greater clarity, that He loves us even in the midst of our shortcomings, failures, and yes, lack of obedience. I thought to myself, how could this be? Could it be that there was an inherent undercurrent in my belief system that has seen salvation as more about performance, than God's love, and I had not recognized it? I began to realize through all of God's loving movement and confirmations the previous week, that I am guilty....guilty of performance in my walk of faith more than I knew, and that I was projecting it on to others too. My knowledge of the love of God was exposed as minuscule. My son gave me a gift in his death. That gift was the exposure of the underlying performance spiritually in my life. It was subtle and hidden. I am learning to let God love me, as I am, instead. It's not about what I do or don't do, though disobedience can bring great hardship or harm, but to Whom I belong. This is about trusting that God's love will never fail. God only can know the heart of a man, and we do not. By the way..... He can be trusted with that.

The evening I had arrived home on my flight, I decided to call a close friend who was also the personnel coordinator at my place of employment. I needed to inform her as to when I would be returning to work . When I began to share about the moves of God that had occurred, she startled me by abruptly interrupting me in mid-sentence and said, “Marguerite, God is confirming that your son is with Him.”

Personnel Coordinator: Witness #3

Then, eights months later, there was....

THE MESSAGE FOR ME

It was my first Mother's Day without my only child, my son. No card, no phone call. It was difficult. The holiday was on a Sunday this year. Needless to say, I grieved at church when they called the mothers forward for a special gift. I grieved openly again at a friend's home during the holiday mid-day dinner I had been invited to. When I returned home that afternoon there were Facebook posts of comfort from many friends who knew of my grief on this first Mother's Day without him. There was also one from my nephew too. As a result of my son's death, God had begun to lead him out of addiction in his own life during the following weeks and months. During the process of learning to follow Christ, he has at times, been flowing in the gifts of the prophetic or words of knowledge from the Holy Spirit and it was evidenced in this Mother's Day message he sent......

“Today is a special day! Today is the day that we celebrate one of the best things God gave us, and that's mothers! I know that you may be having a hard time today, but there is one thing that I know and that's that Randall is soaring with angels and He has left me here to remind you of that! I love you with all my heart and soul MOM and just wanted you to remember that our time here is nothing compared to the time we will share later! So let's thank Him for the little time and blessings we share now and enjoy this day He has given us here!”

J. Tsiatsos

Mother's Day Face Book Message

5/14/17

Randall L. Woodall 5/18/84-10/02/16

God's speed son.....