As my dad struggled to sit and eat at our family table for one last time, I reflected on many things. He was dying of brain cancer, slowly, and daily. We had brought him home to us to care for him in his last days. At times he fought our attempts to care for him. He was a proud, independent man. Of course the brain cancer had greatly affected his judgement and emotions about his situation.
I've thought much about his life, and growing up with him as his daughter. He was a cruel man most often, and proud. Criticism was a second nature to him. Self-centeredness ruled his life frequently in his actions on a personal level. The profound damage done to myself and my siblings haunts most of us to this day. I'd taken on a decade's long journey with Christ to overcome the emotional and spiritual damage done by the abuse in my childhood. I'd quit taking to my dad years ago; as I did not want to open myself up to one more criticism in a conversation.
I kept tried to keep his spoon upright as I fed him the turkey and dressing. He could no longer feed himself. In those moments I reflected on how far God has brought me in my life's journey. I've learned that one of the worst prisons in life is unforgiveness, among others. It can disrupt our path of life greatly. Through Christ strength, I had forgiven dad long ago, and as I sat at this table of Thanksgiving, I was saddened by what could have been in his life and the lives of those around him all these years had he not been verbally and emotionally abusive and had followed the call on his life to follow Christ more effectively.
My sister and I had decided that to honor our dad as Christian people, we would care for him in his last days despite the past hardships of relationship with him. He gradually lost his speech at times and his mobility over the next few weeks. I found opportunity to frequently now to tell him how much I loved him, and there was no verbal deflection on his part now, or easy retort in return...he couldn't stop me...Now, I was not afraid to say those words of love and forgiveness regularly to him. For the first time, dad told me how proud he was of me and that he also loved me. How liberating is forgiveness and to honor someone even though everything in us says not to! It sees what could have been, now is, and what CAN be.
Dad asked a friend, who was also caring for him, to fill his cup one day as she entered his room. She thought he had asked for more apple juice for his cup on the table that he had been drinking. As she reached for the cup he spoke and said, "No, fill it with life." She promptly took his hands in hers and prayed with him. Dad was instantly baptized in the Holy Spirit on his death bed. Words of praise flowed out of his mouth and he worshipped God, speaking of God's glory and basking in God's love. The Lord met him in such a spectacular and special way that day. Dad asked me at one point during his illness, if I would be with him in heaven. I told him, "Yes dad, I promise you, I WILL BE THERE."
Friday morning, Feb 21st, at 12:50 a.m., I sat by my dad's bedside as he passed on. It was awful....death is ugly. I had committed to be with him when he died. I did not want him to be alone. At that moment of his passing I cried out, "Daddy, daddy,...God's speed daddy. God IS with you!"
There are many "cancers" in this life. One of the worst is unforgiveness and bitterness. I am thankful that God has forgiven me many ugly things, taught me to forgive, and that because of this, I could enter my dad's life one last time to honor him and love him well. It has been said that we all die....but few of us live really well.
