HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED where the good
things are? I think some of us come to the place where we wonder if
any good thing has ever been a part of our lives. Sometimes all we
can see is what was not and could have been, as well as what is not,
now. It's as though all we remember are the abuses, tragedies,
accidents, and failures that have been a part of our life journey.
As I was driving home from work one evening, in the silence of my
car, I was talking to God out loud. I had been reflecting on my life
and had felt in those moments so empty and void of any positive
movement of God's presence and direction for some time. Those
feelings were coupled with the thoughts of a life that had been
filled with seemingly nothing but those tragedies, abuses, and
hardships. It was then that I shouted out loud in the car, “Is this
as good as it gets Lord? Is this it?” I continued shouting this
question out several times at God as I drove home that afternoon. I
was angry. Afterwards, I recalled something that God had shown me
years before.
I remember as a young teenager of 14
having tried to reach out to my dad one last time to connect with him
as his daughter. What I received instead was the usual criticism of
a supposed failure on my part. This had happened over and over again
for many years. I turned slowly away from him in the middle of the
conversation, walked into my bedroom, laid down on my bed and out
loud, cursed the hope that I had had in even trying to reach out to
him. Depression entered my life at that moment, and I could tangibly
feel it's presence. I had decided that hope was an enemy.
Years later, in my early thirties, I
had begun to follow Christ in much more earnest in my life. It was
then that during a nap in the afternoon on a lazy summer day, that I
was swept away in a dream about those teenage years of mine when I
had cursed hope. As I slept, a “life review” of those years
began in my dreaming. God's Holy Spirit began to reveal a great
darkness in my life during that time. It was all around me as I
dreamt, and it felt like it was closing in. The darkness was massive
and I could see no light. I was terrified and I cried out loud in
the room as I slept, “Lord, please stop showing me this! It's more
than I can bear and I'm afraid.” It was in that moment, after I
cried out, that the dreaming changed. I was suddenly remembering and
viewing “good things” that I had had in my life at that time.
God peeled back the darkness as the dreaming continued on again. I
was swept up in an awesome, joyful recall of memories of those years
that I had forgotten, and God paraded each scene in front of me in
sequence. The darkness had overshadowed and hidden them from my
remembrance all those years ago.
Our family lived at a lake resort and
wilderness area at that time. The spring and summer was busy with
vacationing tourists thronging the area. I saw my favorite shirt
that I loved to wear (the colors stood out to me as I dreamt and were
very vivid). Then I saw my favorite bell-bottomed jeans! They were
all the style then. There were also the athletic shoes I had saved my
money to buy. The suede shoes were styled with a patriotic flag
theme of a red, white, and blue flag design on the sides. They were
my Peter Fonda “Easy Rider” movie style shoes. I loved those
shoes! The memory of my 10 speed bike I had that made me feel like I
was riding the wind, came into view. I saw Wille my horse that I had
spent countless hours riding on the wilderness trails. He was my
escape from an abusive home during the day, and it gave me a
wonderful sense of freedom for a time when I needed it most. The
dreaming ended with a final memory and scene of the haze of smoke
from the tourist's campfires in the evenings hovering over the area's
tree line as they cooked their meals. The smell of roasting
hamburgers and hot dogs filled the air and drifted past our cabin.
I was shocked to have remembered these
minor things from over 25 years ago, and in such minute detail! They
had long been forgotten. It was then that the dreaming stopped as
suddenly as it had begun.....The Lord had placed my family and I in
an area that was one of His greatest jewels geographically. It was
like living in Yellowstone Park year round and is known to this day
as “The Little Switzerland of America”. The fall season was
stunning in color contrasts between shades of evergreen and orange.
The mountains shouted out His greatness as the Creator. The winters
were just as awesome with the deep snow that covered everything like
a strangely comforting blanket that settled on everything for a time.
It's beauty was awesome and this wonderful place was a gift from Him
in the midst of the abuse and darkness that pressed in in my life.
How blessed I was!! He was there even in the midst of every dark
moment. He had placed me there in my life journey for a reason.
There were good things all around me that He had given even when I
did not know Him. I learned that afternoon as I slept,
that He is the God of my past. He is the God who is the same
yesterday, today, and tomorrow. He had made sure that there were
many good things that were a part of my life during those years to
counter balance and buffer against the darkness and it's chaos, and I
am grateful.
The brief review the Lord walked me
through in those moments as I slept, also opened the door to more
contemplation and reflection of those years in the months that
followed. There were many other good things that were present during
that time of my life that I had not thought about or really
appreciated before. I began to see those years in their entirety
from God's viewpoint and not my own, and my memories were profoundly
different from that moment on because my perspective changed too. A
deepening thankfulness for what God had given me during that time
began to grow in my heart. That darkness in my memories that I had
felt for many years whenever I reflected on them was strangely
gone.....and it also did not matter anymore. His light was all I
could see from that moment on when I recalled these years. I had
been set free from the darkness and an even greater gift came into my
life after that,....a thankful heart. A thankful heart enters into
His presence every time.
No matter how desperate our lives may
seem. No matter how abusive the life journey has been, there are
good things that God places along the way. He dances in our lives
with the little things that are so special. They are easy to miss
because we don't realize that He gives the everyday things that are a
blessing. We often miss them because we expect the spectacular and
obvious ones. Darkness begins to leave our lives when we adopt a
thankful heart even in the midst of it all. God does not fix things.
He could. But rather, in the midst of life's storms, He's watching
to see if we will draw close to hear His heartbeat and believe He has
placed those good things there just for us. Those things may be
small, but they remain. I saw that His love placed them in my life
to let me know that in the midst of the greatest hardships, He was
there. Ask Him to show you, and He will. Funny how all those
seemingly minor “gifts” can bring a fond smile and joy to my face
when I think of them even now, many years later....
As I awoke from my sleep, I sensed
God's loving presence lingering in my room and a thick smell had
supernaturally filled my entire bedroom also. I was astonished as I
breathed it in. It was pungent, distinct, and unmistakable. It was
the smell of a campfire cooking hot dogs and hamburgers....
Wallowa
Lake Oregon
Bless the Lord oh my soul;
and all that is within me, bless His holy name.
Bless the Lord, Oh my
soul, and forget none of His benefits;
Who pardons all your
iniquities;
Who heals all your
diseases;
Who redeems your life from
the pit;
Who crowns you with
lovingkindess and compassion;
Who satisfies your
years with good things,
So that your youth is
renewed like the eagle.”
(Ps. 103-2-5)
