Years ago I stood in front of a man
asking him a question. He had just finished his most recent talk for
the evening. As a guest speaker at a local church that night, this
man was known as “Mr. Agape” in christian circles nationwide.
His nickname was The “Apostle of Love”. His reputation as a
Christ like, loving man was widely known. He spoke extensively on
laying aside old practices and habits in our lives that cause harm or
discredit us as followers of Christ, or hinder our walk with God. I
asked him what thoughts he might have as to why quitting smoking in
my life was so very difficult and seemed impossible to stop. The
addiction had an iron grip on me. He was silent for some time (I
believe he was listening to the Holy Spirit in those moments), then
tears welled up in his eyes and he said, “Some people choose a
slow form of suicide, not an immediate one.”
That statement opened the door to the
understanding that embedded within an addiction there can possibly be
a form of slow suicide occurring, and we don't “see” it for what
it is. Somewhere in our life journey a hidden part of us on the
inside can make a decision that life is not worth living, that we are
not valued and we sense no purpose or direction. There can be a
multitude of abusive life events that bring us to this internal
decision. A parent's absence or abandonment physically or
emotionally, physical or emotional abuse itself, or any kind of
perceived rejection from others in our life journey, to name only a
few. As a result we come to a place where WE REJECT OURSELVES, and
begin to punish ourselves through the addictions. The feeling or
belief that we were not suppose to even be here to participate in
life is at play, and it is not a conscious realization most often.
Of course the methods of slow suicide
are varied and numerous, and truly, no condemnation on my part is
intimated here. Been there, done that...There's a multitude of
different kinds of addictions, including man made narcotics, or
nature's natural chemicals found in our environment. The addictions
can manifest as well in our own appetites such as excessive food
consumption. Another one not often looked at....is a “flirting”
with death through extreme sport activities that greatly lessen each
time, one's odds of living through another “adventure”. I call
it the “adrenaline addiction”. One becomes addicted to the need
for more of their own adrenaline being produced in “daredevil”
situations. (NOTE: There is evidence also that a mineral and/or
hormonal imbalance can drive the “daredevil” syndrome).
The other end of the spectrum on this
issue is the more immediate suicidal actions people take that can
stem from deep emotional pain. I know this first hand. As I walked
by my refrigerator the other day, I looked at a recent photo of my
son I had placed there. He passed a year a half ago from an
accidental drug overdose, and I've only just begun to grieve my loss.
He was my only child. As I stood there I was suddenly,
unexpectedly, overwhelmed with a suicidal feeling within myself. It
swept over and engulfed me like a tidal wave. Frankly, it took me by
surprise. It passed as quickly as it came because my trust in God
sustained me in those moments. The God that I know cares deeply for
me. It's hard to share this knowing that others may “label” me
because of it. However, to me it's worth it because it exposes
another potential contributing factor in suicide, and reveals our
deep need for Christ's healing.
It's the emotional pain that we are
exposed to through life events that can run very deep and feel VERY
overwhelming. So strong are the feelings of pain at times, that what
seems like the only “escape” from it, is life's termination as
quickly as possible. The fear generated by it is off the chart.
Self medicating is not working, or not present in those moments. The
powerlessness we feel threatens to undo us. Deep emotional pain
feels and looks like death. God has been teaching me through the
years to not fear emotional pain. He is there if we reach out to Him
in those moments. Our problem is that we demand relief from our pain
any way we can get it with out Him.
Can demonic spirits be involved in
suicidal issues? Yes. It's one of the “flaming darts” the enemy
will throw our direction if he can. My focus however is not on what
the enemy tries to do but rather what leaves us vulnerable to the
attack to begin with. We need Christ's healing touch emotionally and
most often...deeply.
For those of you who grieve like
myself, I do not know if this will ever try to attack your life or
not. I think it does more than others are willing to admit. I pray
it doesn't. But know this, you're not alone, and this is nothing
new to life's struggles. I have chosen life, and will continue to do
so. The greatest victory I can have here is to live to fight another
day. I want to be used of God to make the devil pay every last cent
that is due for his duplicity in trying to get us to abort our lives
before the time. Unfortunately, he succeeded with my son through
addiction and accidental overdose. My vengeance is to fulfill every
good work God has laid out before me on my life journey before I
pass. My revenge is to love with Christ's love and to
live......Check yourself through God's leading, and don't let suicide
of any kind rule you. I know the Person that vanquishes the
suicidal. He cares. He can heal and deliver.
And by the way, I did beat that 45 year
old nicotine habit. Christ set me free when I chose life. His.
