THE LAST THANKSGIVING

As my dad struggled to sit and eat at our family table for one last time, I reflected on many things.  He was dying of brain cancer, slowly, and daily.  We had brought him home to us to care for him in his last days.  At times he fought our attempts to care for him.  He was a proud, independent man.  Of course the brain cancer had greatly affected his judgement and emotions about his situation.  

I've thought much about his life, and growing up with him as his daughter.  He was a cruel man most often, and proud.  Criticism was a second nature to him.  Self-centeredness ruled his life frequently in his actions on a personal level.  The profound damage done to myself and my siblings haunts most of us to this day.  I'd taken on a decade's long journey with Christ to overcome the emotional and spiritual damage done by the abuse in my childhood.  I'd quit taking to my dad years ago; as I did not want to open myself up to one more criticism in a conversation.

I kept tried to keep his spoon upright as I fed him the turkey and dressing.  He could no longer feed himself.  In those moments I reflected on how far God has brought me in my life's journey.  I've learned that one of the worst prisons in life is unforgiveness, among others.  It can disrupt our path of life greatly.  Through Christ strength, I had forgiven dad long ago, and as I sat at this table of Thanksgiving, I was saddened by what could have been in his life and the lives of those around him all these years had he not been verbally and emotionally abusive and had followed the call on his life to follow Christ more effectively.

My sister and I had decided that to honor our dad as Christian people, we would care for him in his last days despite the past hardships of relationship with him.  He gradually lost his speech at times and his mobility over the next few weeks.  I found opportunity to frequently now to tell him how much I loved him, and there was no verbal deflection on his part now, or easy retort in return...he couldn't stop me...Now, I was not afraid to say those words of love and forgiveness regularly to him.  For the first time, dad told me how proud he was of me and that he also loved me.  How liberating is forgiveness and to honor someone even though everything in us says not to!  It sees what could have been, now is, and what CAN be.

Dad asked a friend, who was also caring for him, to fill his cup one day as she entered his room.  She thought he had asked for more apple juice for his cup on the table that he had been drinking.  As she reached for the cup he spoke and said, "No, fill it with life."  She promptly took his hands in hers and prayed with him.  Dad was instantly baptized in the Holy Spirit on his death bed.  Words of praise flowed out of his mouth and he worshipped God, speaking of God's glory and basking in God's love.  The Lord met him in such a spectacular and special way that day.  Dad asked me at one point during his illness, if I would be with him in heaven.  I told him, "Yes dad, I promise you, I WILL BE THERE."

Friday morning, Feb 21st, at 12:50 a.m., I sat by my dad's bedside as he passed on.  It was awful....death is ugly.  I had committed to be with him when he died.  I did not want him to be alone.  At that moment of his passing I cried out, "Daddy, daddy,...God's speed daddy.  God IS with you!"

There are many "cancers" in this life.  One of the worst is unforgiveness and bitterness.  I am thankful that God has forgiven me many ugly things, taught me to forgive, and that because of this, I could enter my dad's life one last time to honor him and love him well.  It has been said that we all die....but few of us live really well.

GOD and the LIAR

As I was leaving to attend my first grief support group meeting that evening, I received the doctor's test results. I stood in the doorway of my home, listening on the phone as the physician spoke. It was cancer. I can't begin to describe the feelings of lostness, pain and fear that I was experiencing in those moments. It felt like the “other shoe” had finally dropped. How was I going to cope with this emotionally, mentally, physically, and at the same time, go through the overwhelming grief due to the death of my son? The voice of fear began to whisper to me, bringing to mind every imaginable scenario involving impending doom and death from the diagnosis.

There is a stronghold of fear in my life, and it has plagued me on many fronts for many years. Fear is multifaceted. There's the fear of death, fear of lack in our finances, fear for a loved one's safety, fear of the unknown, and the list goes on and on... and those fears rise at various times to try and consume us if they can.

I shared the cancer diagnosis with one of my closest friends in a phone call as I walked across the church parking lot that night to attend my meeting. In the midst of our conversation, the movement of God's Spirit and His voice came through suddenly, boldly, and with unmistakable clarity. God said, “Whose report will you believe?” I was taken aback and I wasn't sure if He was speaking about the diagnosis itself being in error or that the cancer meant my imminent death. I replied and asked God, “Which report do You mean Lord?” The Lord said, “The report from the enemy of fear that this means your death OR My report that it does not. WHO'S REPORT WILL YOU BELIEVE?” God's presence permeated the atmosphere through His voice all around me, and a reverential fear of God hit me like a ton of bricks in those moments. I quickly replied, “I will believe the report of the Lord....”

My friend began to share about seeing an image that she believed was from the Lord in those same moments. She spoke of seeing a bonfire, and Fear was throwing it's fuel (lies) into the bonfire to cause it to flare up and grow larger. It was trying to shift my focus mentally and emotionally to try to consume me. The Lord was showing her the battle in my mind to either believe Him and His word to me that I would live, or to believe the spirit of fear that was trying to convince me that I would soon die.

My thoughts drifted to the vision God gave me the day my son died a year and a half earlier. I remembered the 3 bonfires on a remote island's beach that the enemy (local islanders or pirates historically) had lit to lure unsuspecting ships seeking safe harbor as storms at sea approached. Hidden reefs underwater in the harbor tore the ships apart instead. The result was shipwreck and the ship's cargo floating ashore for the island's natives or pirates to gather. I also saw a tall, red and white striped lighthouse in the vision situated on a large, solid rock outcropping of land. I knew it was the true light of guidance for the ships that approached and could be trusted to guide them to a safe harbor. The number of bonfires in the vision had baffled me for some time and I had wondered often why there was three of them on the island's shore instead of one.

As the words left my lips that I would believe the report of the Lord, I was given the understanding by God's Spirit as to why there were three bonfires, in that vision of Oct. 2, 2016. The first bonfire represented the death of my husband in 1988. His death was meant to shipwreck a deeper commitment I had made in my life towards God, to cause me to question God's goodness. The second bonfire represented the death of my son Randall. This also was meant to shipwreck my faith and my trust in God with regard to my son's salvation. I momentarily assumed the third bonfire was representative of my death, but God's Spirit corrected me. It was the fear of death that I needed to face and overcome by trusting God as I have never trusted Him before and the spirit of fear was trying to stoke the flames of the third bonfire, adding fuel to it with his lies of imminent physical destruction.

I was emotionally exhausted when I went home that evening, and as I slept I literally heard a song being sung to me in the middle of the night. “Whose voice is that?” I thought...as I slept. The song was by Zack Williams titled “Fear Is A Liar”, and the mysterious voice sang it over and over again to me into the early morning hours. Why was this “voice” emphasizing this to me as I had slept? I instinctively knew God was trying to communicate something to me through it. I watched and listened to the band's official you tube video on my computer that morning as soon as I could. There was an urgency in my spirit to do so. I was only interested in the lyrics, not the video I told myself. What were the words in that song? It must be important for me to know them better, I thought to myself.

The video showed several life scenes that expressed the message of the song's lyrics. The successive scenes depicted how a spirit of fear was trying to bring destruction into people's lives with it's lies. As the words to the song were displayed, there was the scene of a man who was attempting suicide because of a job termination. Another scene was of a young woman's emotional agony as she faced the bullying of her peers at school and those peers encouraging her to take her life. But one scene stood out from all the rest that played out before me, and my world stopped as I watched it.....

A woman kissed her fingertips then lovingly touched a photograph on the wall of her home. The photo was of a dead son. Then, moments later,....in the video's next scene, she picked up a pamphlet from her coffee table with the title “Coping with Cancer”. Short scenes followed showing the effects of the cancer treatments and it's toll on her. There were the moments of crippling physical weakness from chemotherapy, her hair falling out onto her comb in front of her bathroom mirror, and in addition to it all, her grieving for a lost son. There I was.... The devastating grief over the death of a son, then a cancer diagnosis shortly after, and it was playing out in front of me. I broke down as I watched, and sobbed openly. The song's music and it's words surrounded me in those moments as I wept and God's personal message for me was very clear....”Fear is a liar, Marguerite,......”

The previous day a close friend had offered to pray for me at her prayer group's weekly meeting. That evening I shared with this friend about God's message in a song in the middle of the night and the video that I had viewed that morning. Her astonishment was evident as we spoke. She said, “Marguerite, that's the song we played specifically for you as we prayed for you the same night!”

In the midst of life's storms, we must not be distracted by the light of the enemy's bonfires of lies. Those lies will erode our faith and consume us. They can shipwreck our faith in God. Jesus Christ is our Lighthouse. In the midst of our trials and suffering God will set us free from our fears if we allow Him to do so. Through my son's death and this cancer issue the stronghold of fear in my life is coming down, brick by brick, and I am overcoming the the fear of dying, and many other fears as well. When one has overcome fear, we are free to live, laugh, and love. Then we become free also to share the love of God because there's no fear of losing anything anymore, and we have everything to gain....I have the promise of heaven and uninterrupted time with the living God in my future, as well as with all of my family who have gone before me. Whom or what do I have to fear? I am blessed.

I listened to the song and watched the video a second time the following morning. I didn't want to ever forget God's special message for me, to trust Him and that fear is a liar. When the video ended, I reached over to shut off the music, and the next song on the random playlist began. It was “You're Going to be Okay” by Jenn Johnson. What?? I'd never heard this song before. Ok, I thought, as I chuckled to myself.....that just HAD to be coincidence, right?? Five minutes later I was pulling out of my driveway to go to work for the day. I turned on the local christian radio station in my car and the first song that began to play was.......you guessed it....”Fear Is A Liar”. Whose report would YOU believe? 

When he told you you're not good enough

When he told you you're not right

When he told you you're not worthy

When he told you you're not loved

When he told you you're not beautiful

That you'll never be enough

Fear, he is a liar

He will take your breath

Stop you in your steps

Fear, he is a liar

He will rob your rest

Steal your happiness

Cast your fear in the fire

Cause fear, he is a liar”

When he told you you were troubled

You'll forever be alone

When he told you you should run away

You'll never find a home

When he told you you were dirty

And you should be ashamed

When he told you you could be the one

That grace could never change

Fear, he is a liar

He will take your breath

Stop you in your steps

Fear, he is a liar

He will rob your rest

Steal your happiness

Cast your fear in the fire

Cause fear, he is a liar”

LET YOUR FIRE FALL AND CAST OUR ALL MY FEARS

LET YOUR FIRE FALL YOUR LOVE IS ALL I FEEL

Fear he is a liar

He will take your breath

Stop you in your steps

Fear, he is a liar

He will rob your rest

Steal your happiness

Cast your fear in the fire

(Song writer(s) Zach Williams, Jason Ingram, Jonathan Lindley Smith)

And God throws down the mic....

ALL THOSE BARKING DOGS....

“YOUR DOG IS BARKING and I can't sleep.” I said. There I was, standing on my neighbor's porch at one o'clock in the morning. My hair was disheveled as I stood there with my bath robe that had been hastily slapped on. I just wanted to rest. I've had several neighbors occupy this rental home next to mine over the years, and each one had presented their own problems. Come to think of it, there was a dog involved every time...One renter had a dog that was threatening physical harm to every passerby (it was not on a leash) and would race to the edge of the front yard acting as though it would pounce on a person at any minute.

Then there was the renter's dog that was never let out of the back yard, never cared for, and physically died before it's time from neglect. The dog barked constantly seemingly begging for it's master's attention. It was a heartbreaking scene to behold every day. It was even left out in below freezing temperatures as it's owner had fallen asleep on his couch from a marijuana induced stupor. I remember pounding on his door to beg him to take his dog in as the marijuana smoke rolled out the front door when he answered it.

The current renter's dog barks frequently day and night. The dog is chained to the fence for hours out of fear that the dog will run off or be stolen like the last one was. Of course my bedroom window is right next to that fence. When this man and his family moved in there were immediate problems. The sound system in his vehicle was monstrous. The sound when turned up, would literally shake the ground, my windows, and the homes on either side. I literally could not hear my own television as I tried to listen to the days news and events. I stood outside on my porch one time just staring at the situation hoping a “message” would be sent to TURN DOWN THE MUSIC. For some time, week after week, as the neighbor pulled into his driveway, music blasted out that could be heard miles away.

The next day I reflected on the other dogs that seem to bark incessantly in our daily lives, and there are a lot of them. Maybe the recognition of them would cause us to rethink how we're handling life. They are the possible bad medical diagnosis, a car breaking down periodically, a continuing financial crisis that seems never ending, or just took much on “our plate” for a season. Is it the job situation that is a daily issue and irritant? I've tried so very hard to let it go...I desire to enter into the “rest” of God that He speaks of in His word and to not be so easily angered, upset, and devastated by life's events. Finding the peace of God under girding us continually in every situation presented by life does not come all at once. It's found in the journey. It is about trusting God in every daily circumstance. Trust is not born out of ease in this life, it is birthed through it's hardships.

My point is this. There are a lot of “barking dogs” in life aren't there? They just won't go away. They disrupt “our” world, bring chaos, unease, and hardship...sometimes it's severe. Those darn dogs make us feel out of control with no relief in sight. The inconvenience of the situation slams us like a hammer. Anger is usually the first line of defense when these barking dogs enter our sphere of life. How dare they turn our world upside down and cause such disruption! What we were doing before the sudden onslaught and interruption was important! The next line of defense it to try to take control of the situation. Maybe the “barking” will stop then. Finally, the last phase is a good cry to release the frustration all the barking has caused. It's a vicious cycle that is never ending.

All of this reflection began stirring within me after I walked away from my neighbor's door and I wonder...will his barking dog open a door relationally in conversation to reaching out in the love of Christ? We cannot let the “barking dogs” sway us away from trusting the love of God that reaches out to those around us who do not know Him.

“Great is the peace of those who love Thy law, and

nothing shall by any means offend them.”

(Psalm 119:165)

WHERE THE GOOD THINGS ARE

HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED where the good things are? I think some of us come to the place where we wonder if any good thing has ever been a part of our lives. Sometimes all we can see is what was not and could have been, as well as what is not, now. It's as though all we remember are the abuses, tragedies, accidents, and failures that have been a part of our life journey. As I was driving home from work one evening, in the silence of my car, I was talking to God out loud. I had been reflecting on my life and had felt in those moments so empty and void of any positive movement of God's presence and direction for some time. Those feelings were coupled with the thoughts of a life that had been filled with seemingly nothing but those tragedies, abuses, and hardships. It was then that I shouted out loud in the car, “Is this as good as it gets Lord? Is this it?” I continued shouting this question out several times at God as I drove home that afternoon. I was angry. Afterwards, I recalled something that God had shown me years before.

I remember as a young teenager of 14 having tried to reach out to my dad one last time to connect with him as his daughter. What I received instead was the usual criticism of a supposed failure on my part. This had happened over and over again for many years. I turned slowly away from him in the middle of the conversation, walked into my bedroom, laid down on my bed and out loud, cursed the hope that I had had in even trying to reach out to him. Depression entered my life at that moment, and I could tangibly feel it's presence. I had decided that hope was an enemy.

Years later, in my early thirties, I had begun to follow Christ in much more earnest in my life. It was then that during a nap in the afternoon on a lazy summer day, that I was swept away in a dream about those teenage years of mine when I had cursed hope. As I slept, a “life review” of those years began in my dreaming. God's Holy Spirit began to reveal a great darkness in my life during that time. It was all around me as I dreamt, and it felt like it was closing in. The darkness was massive and I could see no light. I was terrified and I cried out loud in the room as I slept, “Lord, please stop showing me this! It's more than I can bear and I'm afraid.” It was in that moment, after I cried out, that the dreaming changed. I was suddenly remembering and viewing “good things” that I had had in my life at that time. God peeled back the darkness as the dreaming continued on again. I was swept up in an awesome, joyful recall of memories of those years that I had forgotten, and God paraded each scene in front of me in sequence. The darkness had overshadowed and hidden them from my remembrance all those years ago.

Our family lived at a lake resort and wilderness area at that time. The spring and summer was busy with vacationing tourists thronging the area. I saw my favorite shirt that I loved to wear (the colors stood out to me as I dreamt and were very vivid). Then I saw my favorite bell-bottomed jeans! They were all the style then. There were also the athletic shoes I had saved my money to buy. The suede shoes were styled with a patriotic flag theme of a red, white, and blue flag design on the sides. They were my Peter Fonda “Easy Rider” movie style shoes. I loved those shoes! The memory of my 10 speed bike I had that made me feel like I was riding the wind, came into view. I saw Wille my horse that I had spent countless hours riding on the wilderness trails. He was my escape from an abusive home during the day, and it gave me a wonderful sense of freedom for a time when I needed it most. The dreaming ended with a final memory and scene of the haze of smoke from the tourist's campfires in the evenings hovering over the area's tree line as they cooked their meals. The smell of roasting hamburgers and hot dogs filled the air and drifted past our cabin.

I was shocked to have remembered these minor things from over 25 years ago, and in such minute detail! They had long been forgotten. It was then that the dreaming stopped as suddenly as it had begun.....The Lord had placed my family and I in an area that was one of His greatest jewels geographically. It was like living in Yellowstone Park year round and is known to this day as “The Little Switzerland of America”. The fall season was stunning in color contrasts between shades of evergreen and orange. The mountains shouted out His greatness as the Creator. The winters were just as awesome with the deep snow that covered everything like a strangely comforting blanket that settled on everything for a time. It's beauty was awesome and this wonderful place was a gift from Him in the midst of the abuse and darkness that pressed in in my life. How blessed I was!! He was there even in the midst of every dark moment. He had placed me there in my life journey for a reason. There were good things all around me that He had given even when I did not know Him. I learned that afternoon as I slept, that He is the God of my past. He is the God who is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. He had made sure that there were many good things that were a part of my life during those years to counter balance and buffer against the darkness and it's chaos, and I am grateful.

The brief review the Lord walked me through in those moments as I slept, also opened the door to more contemplation and reflection of those years in the months that followed. There were many other good things that were present during that time of my life that I had not thought about or really appreciated before. I began to see those years in their entirety from God's viewpoint and not my own, and my memories were profoundly different from that moment on because my perspective changed too. A deepening thankfulness for what God had given me during that time began to grow in my heart. That darkness in my memories that I had felt for many years whenever I reflected on them was strangely gone.....and it also did not matter anymore. His light was all I could see from that moment on when I recalled these years. I had been set free from the darkness and an even greater gift came into my life after that,....a thankful heart. A thankful heart enters into His presence every time.

No matter how desperate our lives may seem. No matter how abusive the life journey has been, there are good things that God places along the way. He dances in our lives with the little things that are so special. They are easy to miss because we don't realize that He gives the everyday things that are a blessing. We often miss them because we expect the spectacular and obvious ones. Darkness begins to leave our lives when we adopt a thankful heart even in the midst of it all. God does not fix things. He could. But rather, in the midst of life's storms, He's watching to see if we will draw close to hear His heartbeat and believe He has placed those good things there just for us. Those things may be small, but they remain. I saw that His love placed them in my life to let me know that in the midst of the greatest hardships, He was there. Ask Him to show you, and He will. Funny how all those seemingly minor “gifts” can bring a fond smile and joy to my face when I think of them even now, many years later....

As I awoke from my sleep, I sensed God's loving presence lingering in my room and a thick smell had supernaturally filled my entire bedroom also. I was astonished as I breathed it in. It was pungent, distinct, and unmistakable. It was the smell of a campfire cooking hot dogs and hamburgers....

Wallowa Lake Oregon

Bless the Lord oh my soul; and all that is within me, bless His holy name.

Bless the Lord, Oh my soul, and forget none of His benefits;

Who pardons all your iniquities;

Who heals all your diseases;

Who redeems your life from the pit;

Who crowns you with lovingkindess and compassion;

Who satisfies your years with good things,

So that your youth is renewed like the eagle.”

(Ps. 103-2-5)

CHOOSE LIFE

THIS IS THE SUBJECT MOST RUN FROM in a conversation, much less let anyone know it has assaulted them emotionally at some point in their lives. What am I speaking of? Suicide. I never expected to write on this subject,...but here I am tackling it anyway. The immediate thinking would be that this has not touched you personally in anyway. However, you may find yourself needing to choose life where you did not know you hadn't...or help a close friend to choose life who has given up on it and not understood why. My hope is that this will, at the very least, give insight to reach out to others meaningfully.

Years ago I stood in front of a man asking him a question. He had just finished his most recent talk for the evening. As a guest speaker at a local church that night, this man was known as “Mr. Agape” in christian circles nationwide. His nickname was The “Apostle of Love”. His reputation as a Christ like, loving man was widely known. He spoke extensively on laying aside old practices and habits in our lives that cause harm or discredit us as followers of Christ, or hinder our walk with God. I asked him what thoughts he might have as to why quitting smoking in my life was so very difficult and seemed impossible to stop. The addiction had an iron grip on me. He was silent for some time (I believe he was listening to the Holy Spirit in those moments), then tears welled up in his eyes and he said, “Some people choose a slow form of suicide, not an immediate one.”

That statement opened the door to the understanding that embedded within an addiction there can possibly be a form of slow suicide occurring, and we don't “see” it for what it is. Somewhere in our life journey a hidden part of us on the inside can make a decision that life is not worth living, that we are not valued and we sense no purpose or direction. There can be a multitude of abusive life events that bring us to this internal decision. A parent's absence or abandonment physically or emotionally, physical or emotional abuse itself, or any kind of perceived rejection from others in our life journey, to name only a few. As a result we come to a place where WE REJECT OURSELVES, and begin to punish ourselves through the addictions. The feeling or belief that we were not suppose to even be here to participate in life is at play, and it is not a conscious realization most often.

Of course the methods of slow suicide are varied and numerous, and truly, no condemnation on my part is intimated here. Been there, done that...There's a multitude of different kinds of addictions, including man made narcotics, or nature's natural chemicals found in our environment. The addictions can manifest as well in our own appetites such as excessive food consumption. Another one not often looked at....is a “flirting” with death through extreme sport activities that greatly lessen each time, one's odds of living through another “adventure”. I call it the “adrenaline addiction”. One becomes addicted to the need for more of their own adrenaline being produced in “daredevil” situations. (NOTE: There is evidence also that a mineral and/or hormonal imbalance can drive the “daredevil” syndrome).

The other end of the spectrum on this issue is the more immediate suicidal actions people take that can stem from deep emotional pain. I know this first hand. As I walked by my refrigerator the other day, I looked at a recent photo of my son I had placed there. He passed a year a half ago from an accidental drug overdose, and I've only just begun to grieve my loss. He was my only child. As I stood there I was suddenly, unexpectedly, overwhelmed with a suicidal feeling within myself. It swept over and engulfed me like a tidal wave. Frankly, it took me by surprise. It passed as quickly as it came because my trust in God sustained me in those moments. The God that I know cares deeply for me. It's hard to share this knowing that others may “label” me because of it. However, to me it's worth it because it exposes another potential contributing factor in suicide, and reveals our deep need for Christ's healing.

It's the emotional pain that we are exposed to through life events that can run very deep and feel VERY overwhelming. So strong are the feelings of pain at times, that what seems like the only “escape” from it, is life's termination as quickly as possible. The fear generated by it is off the chart. Self medicating is not working, or not present in those moments. The powerlessness we feel threatens to undo us. Deep emotional pain feels and looks like death. God has been teaching me through the years to not fear emotional pain. He is there if we reach out to Him in those moments. Our problem is that we demand relief from our pain any way we can get it with out Him.

Can demonic spirits be involved in suicidal issues? Yes. It's one of the “flaming darts” the enemy will throw our direction if he can. My focus however is not on what the enemy tries to do but rather what leaves us vulnerable to the attack to begin with. We need Christ's healing touch emotionally and most often...deeply.

For those of you who grieve like myself, I do not know if this will ever try to attack your life or not. I think it does more than others are willing to admit. I pray it doesn't. But know this, you're not alone, and this is nothing new to life's struggles. I have chosen life, and will continue to do so. The greatest victory I can have here is to live to fight another day. I want to be used of God to make the devil pay every last cent that is due for his duplicity in trying to get us to abort our lives before the time. Unfortunately, he succeeded with my son through addiction and accidental overdose. My vengeance is to fulfill every good work God has laid out before me on my life journey before I pass. My revenge is to love with Christ's love and to live......Check yourself through God's leading, and don't let suicide of any kind rule you. I know the Person that vanquishes the suicidal. He cares. He can heal and deliver.

And by the way, I did beat that 45 year old nicotine habit. Christ set me free when I chose life. His.